English class

At my school (and most schools), we are required to take 4 years of English, and 3 years each of social studies, math, and science. Now, although I do hate English, I promise that this rant is not fueled (completely) by my hatred for the subject. Now, I get it, English helps us write and talk and stuff, but seriously, it's 4 years of exactly the same thing. In contrast, Freshman year, we learned about world history and geography, I learned about geometry, and I learned about biology. Sophomore year, I learned about US History and Government, Algebra 2, and honors-level chemistry. Junior year, I am learning about AP-level US history, Pre-calc, Physics, and AP-level chemistry. Next year, I am poised to learn about AP-level Government, AP-level Calculus, and AP-level Physics. In contrast, freshman year, I took freshman English. Sophomore year, I took sophomore English. This year, I am taking Junior English. Any guesses as to what I am taking next year?

Now, a careful reader might have noticed something in my last few sentences. I said that I "learned" history, math, and science. In contrast, I said that I "took" English. I emphasize that because I walk in to all of these other classes every single day, and walk out knowing something new. I feel smarter. In contrast, when I walk out of English class, I just feel like more of a smartass. I love to hate English, and my teacher sort of knows that. I don't mind the books, I rather like most of them, actually, but symbolism? Give me a break. Gothic romanticism makes me want to vomit. Description is the root of all evil (I proposed a new law once in English class: no more than two adjectives per sentence). I don't want a mental picture; I want a goddamn story! But this isn't about my opinions. My point is, I have opinions in English class, but I don't really learn anything, or at least nothing of use. The common argument is that you learn about literature and such. My response is always, "so you learn about fake stuff." I mean that mostly as a joke, but not entirely. For example, we learn about Shakespeare. Even my English teacher doesn't like Romeo and Juliet. Everyone in the world knows the basic story, and any other part is completely insignificant. Nobody will ever give a shit about Benvolio or Mercutio, and if they do, you can go tell them to go back to tend to their cats. Another one of my anti-English crusades came last year when we were forced to read stories from the bible. Yes, I understand that there are biblical references in almost everything, in this case, ignorance is bliss. It is very rare that I would say anything like that, but I hold a very strong belief that students should not have to read religious texts in a public school. If it must be done, it is worse that we just read one. We didn't read the Qur'an. And if you will excuse my heresy, the bible is very poorly written as well.

I have been lucky at my school to have had two very good English teachers (my teacher this year is the same person who was my freshman English teacher), so I don't have a terrible experience, but I can't help but notice the irony that the single class which we are required to take 4 years of is the one in which 95% of what we learn is fake shit. Look. I don't care what my name is (and you will only get this if you know my real name, so don't even try to understand if you don't), I will never be a poet. I will never write poetry ever once I'm out of school, save for perhaps an occasional haiku or limerick. I probably won't read much fiction either. I understand that there are people who are interested in that stuff, and so I'm not suggesting that English shouldn't be taught. I'm merely suggesting that 4 required years is rather excessive.