George W. Bush, show us YOUR birth certificate

So, president Obama is, of course, bombarded by racist fucking idiots who have the terrible and completely wrong idea that the president is somehow hiding his birth certificate and is spending millions to keep it from the public. This is, of course, completely accurate, and they are completely correct in believing that the president is hiding the document shown here. Now, I am very rational about racial issues, and I am usually one of the last people to play the race card, but this conspiracy reeks of complete racism. Why? Well, nobody asked this of George Bush or Bill Clinton. In fact, Obama is the only president whose birth certificate I HAVE seen. I suppose it could be his unusual name, but nobody ever questioned Rutherford B. Hayes, and anyone with half a brain should be able to understand the concept of an inherited name: all four major candidates and running mates in 2008 had one. Also, last I checked, John McCain was born in the Panama Canal zone, but basically everyone accepted that that was part of America at the time. Well, apparently Hawaii was part of Kenya at 7:24 PM on August 4th, 1961. This is simply madness.

National anthems

I have come up with a new habit. Well, maybe not that new, but it has gotten worse. Yes, it's true, I listen to national anthems for fun. Whenever someone asks me how many anthems I have on my iPod, I will invariably answer, "Only eight." Even worse, I blast them out of my iPhone on my bus rides home, and occasionally I will break out into song. My friend Xavier says that I'm the nerdiest kid in the world; a claim I cannot dispute.

In case you were wondering, the eight best national anthems (the ones on my iPod) are as follows (country in parentheses unless obvious):

8. O Canada

7. God Defend New Zealand

6. Samoan national anthem

5. Hatikvah (Israel)

4. Russian national hymn

3. İstiklâl Marşı (Turkey)

2. Mongolian national anthem

1. Jana Gana Mana (India)

Now, anyone observant (or any-freaking-body I tell about my national anthem kick) should notice a very notable anthem that I excluded. That's right, I love my country, but with all due respect, our anthem is horse shit. Not only is it an incredibly dull melody, but the words suck too. I'm sorry, but America the Beautiful is way better. The star spangled banner talks about our flag, and rockets, and bombs. Seriously. I'm usually a big hawk about God references in national material (such as the pledge of allegiance, to which end, I do not recite the "under God" line, or the BS motto of our country), but even though America the Beautiful has God references in it, it's still better than a dude looking at our flag to make sure it doesn't get blown up. Maybe it's my hatred of English class, but I want symbolism to go fucking die, and the flag is just that. Call me a curmudgeon, but I don't think that the great parts of our country have anything to do with a piece of cloth. If it helped America to burn a million flags, I would do it. Anyway, I have composed new lyrics that better show our need for another anthem. Something I learned in the process is that Francis Scott Key's rhyme structure is diabolical.

Oh say can you see,

how this anthem does suck?

What so proudly we hail

o'er America's wellbeing.

Whose dull tune and false words

make true patriots say "fuck."

And does not take account

of our nation's forseeing

For false national pride makes our interests collide

for this anthem sucks, we should give it to Canada.

Refudiate that Star Spangled Banner that tune

to the land of maple leaves, and the home of the loon.

If we can't switch to America the Beautiful, we could also change the words in one of the eight best. I guess our exceptionalism wouldn't allow it, but it would be a vast improvement over our terrible anthem. By the way, Francis Scott Key's poem is not bad if it considered to be a poem about a flag (and I hate poetry), but in terms of encompassing our country enough to qualify as a good national anthem, I don't think so. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my rant. I actually wasn't planning on this being about our national anthem, nor was I plannign to write poetry (EGAD!), but I guess that's how rants work...